Note: This is a series of interpretations based on the music that inspired me to believe in the possibility of the highest, most divine type of love. The gentlemen of music whose art created a portal to Loveland where I go to escape the tedium of reality.
That day in the mall, I was shopping alone in a department store minding my business when you walked by and casually turned your head in my direction just in the exact moment I looked up from the pair of jeans I was examining. Something strange happened right then — I could tell we both felt the world stop moving. It’s like we saw right through to each others’ souls. When I think back, I realize that there was a spiritual reunion that day, a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Scared out of my mind, I immediately put my head down and started walking swiftly in the other direction. First of all, what kind of sorcery was that? I’d never felt that way before. Secondly, I was far too insecure to believe you would actually be interested in me. My self-esteem was very fragile back then, thanks to my teenage hormones and daddy issues. When I found the courage to peek back at the spot you were previously standing, you had disappeared and I was actually relieved.
Before I could even return my gaze back in the direction I was walking, I felt a powerful force of love fill me up. It felt like a warm shower of affection had poured over my entire body. Along with the ringing in my right ear, I thought I was getting sick or something, but when I turned forward, there you were, standing right there in front of me and I nearly lost my footing.
Noticing my uneasiness, you apologized for startling me and told me your name. I felt I had already met you before, it was so weird. We shook hands as I introduced myself as well. Your grasp was gentle and sensual. We mostly just stood there and stared at each other for a few seconds because our eyes were far more expressive than words could ever be. The way we “felt” each other seemed telepathic. Needless to say, from that day forth, we were inseparable.
Everything flowed so easily. You were my best friend; someone who saw the real me. Even when I felt the world just didn’t get it, you understood everything about me and brought out the very best. I was too insecure to believe in myself, but you highlighted all the good things about me and encouraged me to pursue my interests and to apply for college. It’s because of you that I was accepted into my first choice university with a full scholarship, but it was a bittersweet experience because I would have to move all the way across the country.
Your interests also led you elsewhere after high school but we promised to make it work, and we did up until junior year of college. That’s when I met Sean during an internship and I couldn’t deny the chemistry I felt with him. I didn’t want to be unfaithful to you, so when I came to visit you that year, I told you everything and we decided that we should just live our lives without the hindrance of a long-distance relationship. We broke up but we remained in contact for a while.
You eventually moved on, too. We lost touch as we got busy with our separate lives. However, I saw your social media posts with your gorgeous new girlfriend. I did feel a bit bothered by the idea of you being with someone else, but I had Sean, and I loved him. He had proposed to me a year later and we set our wedding date for a year after our college graduation so we could get settled into our new careers before trying to plan a wedding.
A couple of months before the wedding, Sean and I were out at the mall and I had that familiar, warm feeling. My right ear started ringing again also, and when I turned around, I saw you walking by outside of the store we were in. At that very moment, you just happened to turn your gaze in my direction and our eyes caught each others’. Everyone else vanished from spacetime but me and you – again.
Before I knew it, you were standing right before me and my fiancé, holding out your hand to greet him. You told us your career had brought you to this side of the country and you had just moved here a few months ago. On the inside, I was excited, and my heart jumped for joy but at the same time, I knew what I was feeling was wrong. Feeling a bit disheveled, like I was being duplicitous, I wanted to pull Sean away and hurry back to the home we shared together – minus YOU. Instead, I suppressed my internal dissonance the best I could and conjured up a fake smile as Sean leaned in to give you a hug after recognizing your name and your face from all the high-school pictures I had stored in an old shoe box. Sean was grateful to finally meet the guy I spoke so highly of. The guy who let me go so I could be with him.
You surprised me with how easy-going you were during our encounter that day. As you and Sean chopped it up for a few minutes about “man stuff”, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was because seeing you reminded me that there will never, ever be a replacement for what we shared. All the old memories and feelings rushed to the surface and I couldn’t help but to get a bit teary-eyed. Pretending to turn around to look at a dress on a rack behind me, I forced the tears away and then abruptly interrupted the conversation my two loves were having so I could hurry and return to my regularly scheduled life – even though I had a feeling that my life was not going to resume as planned.
As you pulled me in for a hug before leaving us, it was as if no time had passed and as if distance had not sent us asunder. Every single feeling was still there and just as strong as the day we met. I wanted to run away so I wouldn’t have to face the truth, but I couldn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, what Sean and I had was phenomenal and true. He kept my spiritual vibration high and our chemistry was off the charts. If it weren’t for you, I would believe Sean was the only one for me. Seeing you today unraveled everything I thought Sean and I had in just a few minutes – and I was devastated.
The intense connection Sean and I had was nothing to take lightly and I could tell he felt the dissonance that was wreaking havoc on my heart and mind. As he drove us home, he grabbed my hand and held it tight the whole way. Not many words were said during that 20-minute car ride, although I did try to make small talk about random stuff just to keep the tears from falling.
That night, Sean held me a little tighter as he slept. It felt as if he was trying to ensure I was secure in his arms. Laying in his arms, I cried silently into the pillow because I felt something pulling me away. I tried to fight the feeling, but it was inevitable. Destiny was calling.
I couldn’t sleep as I lay wrapped up in my fiancé’s arms with tear stains on my cheek. As I stared at my phone on the nightstand as if in anticipation, my screen lit up at exactly 1:11 a.m. I already knew it was you; quantum entanglement won’t let me let go of you. And to answer your questions: Yes, I think about you. And yes, I felt it, too.
It started all over again like someone hit a reset button. We, once again, have been pulled by the mass of our love, with gravity too strong to escape. Our love is like the sun with everything coming close to it being taken off its original path and pulled into orbit because of the sun’s massive presence.
Maybe it was always meant to be this way. Maybe we had to be apart so that we could be certain that we belong together. Sean is my life now, but you will be my love forever – something that is sure to ruin the heart of the man I was supposed to marry in two months’ time. However, it sometimes takes something being ruined in order to rebuild something greater.
Stop to Love 